Zalman is not a
social outcast. He has friends, his own age as well as others. He
has a freakin' freshman fanclub! Of course, that's my fault.
What I think he's done is he's convinced himself he's a social
outcast. He likes being by himself, but he likes people, too. He
sees that his peers are different than he is, and therefore thinks
that they don't, can't, like him. By telling himself that, he's
closed himself off from other people. It's one of the reasons
he's so hard to talk to. Turning back in on himself like that has
made him socially awkward, but that's an important part of his
character. Socially awkward and social outcast are two completely
different things. What I think he doesn't realise is that he's
an incredibly interesting, amusing person and that if he opened up a
bit more, and didn't cut himself off by playing the piano so damn
much, he'd see that there are people out there who appreciate him
as a person, not just as a pianist.
Zalman does not
hide his emotions as well as he thinks he does. By putting on a
rather indifferent demeanour, he thinks he's smoothed over his
feelings enough that no one can tell what he's thinking. To the
casual observer, yes, he does seem to have no emotions. But if one
looks a bit deeper, it is easy to tell what he is feeling. There
are certain little things that betray his emotions that, if watched
for, are easily seen. The easiest to observe and interpret is
simply him playing the piano before chorus. What the plays is a
very good indication of what he's feeling. The amount of
attention he gives to playing for chorus is also a good indicator,
but that must be gauged carefully; he pays very little attention
anyway. It's more the kind of attention one has to watch
for; for example, if he's not paying attention and playing various
motets or depressing madrigals while Ms. Hall is talking, that's a
good sign that he's stressed out and his low self esteem is
getting him down. If he's not paying attention and turning around
to talk to Diana and Melissa, eating candy (usually someone else's),
and smiling, he's obviously in a good mood. If he's not paying
attention and reading, or writing music, he's off in his own world
and chances are he's not worth talking to, as you probably won't
get much sense out of him. Anyway, his stride, posture, the amount
of arguing he does with Ms Hall, and other things like that are good
indicators of his mood. I think that he should talk about his
feelings more. It would make him easier to talk to, less cold and
distant.
Zalman does have
ego. That may not be something he himself is wrong about, but it's
a common misconception. I guess people think his low self-esteem
and indifferent demeanour imply lack of ego. That's just plain
wrong. Zalman has ego. Lots of ego. Probably almost as much as I
do. His low self-esteem is an offshoot of perfectionism. Maybe he
compares himself to the great artists he likes so much; that could
be pretty ego crushing. He wants to be known. It's why he
changed his name to Zalman, because there are "too many Alexs".
"Having a name like Zalman," he's said to me, "forces people
to learn my name..." If that's not ego, I don't know what is.
He is also quite arrogant; with a person as intimidating as Ms.
Hall, only an incredibly arrogant person can get yelled at for not
paying attention and continue to not pay attention. He also knows
that as the senior pianist, Ms. Hall needs him; we all need him.
Being needed is probably the biggest single ego-augmenting thing
ever. He does bear it quite well, though. He's under quite a lot
of academic stress, plus the additional personal stress of
graduating, getting ready for college, and perfectionism (again with
the low self esteem). I hope whatever effect I'm having is
helping, or at least not being detrimental.
Zalman is not
scary. Again, this is more of a common misconception than something
he's actually wrong about, but I know several people who are quite
frightened of him. I guess awkward people with lots of talent, a
disdainful demeanour, and a distant personality cane be a bit
intimidating. According to Ava, he radiates "you suck at piano
vibes". I mean, I wouldn't know, I don't play the piano. My
dad does, though. Maybe that's why I'm not intimidated by his
talent, because I'm used to amazing piano playing. I suppose he
could also be intimidating because of his amazing intelligence and
obsession with classical music. In that respect, I think he needs
to broaden his horizons, but that's another issue. Zalman's not
scary, he's just awkward until you start talking to him.
He's...still pretty awkward then, but that's just characteristic
awkwardness. When actually talking to him one gets a better sense
of his multi-faceted personality and randomness. Again, he's not
scary. People just need to get to know him better.
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